How fairness can distract us from freedom
Separating Fault from Responsibility
At times, it can be hard to separate the difference between fault and responsibility.
The problem in front of us often wasn’t our fault — it may have been an injustice, a misunderstanding, or simply the consequence of another person’s choices.
And yet, the solution is still ours to hold. It is still our responsibility if we want to move forward.
When Fairness Becomes a Trap
The mind naturally resists this. We say, “But that’s not fair.”
And often, it isn’t. But the insistence that life should be fair can quietly block our perseverance and resilience.
When we anchor ourselves in fairness, we remain stuck at the point of injury. When we take responsibility, we reclaim direction.
Fault and the Brain
This dynamic shows up everywhere — especially in mental health.
Sometimes, someone did do something that left a mark: trauma, neglect, betrayal. Those experiences lay down synaptic pathways, shaping the automatic patterns of emotion and behavior that follow us into adulthood.
Or they may lead to exaggerated dysregulation — reactions that seem too big for the moment, yet make perfect sense given the past.
It wasn’t your fault that they did that to you.
And yet, it is your responsibility to overcome it.
Responsibility does not mean blame; it means ownership of what happens next.
Everyday Versions of the Same Truth
This principle applies not only to trauma but to the small frictions of daily life.
We all encounter people in positions of power — a boss, a teacher, a partner — who may misunderstand us, misjudge us, or simply act unfairly. They may have temporary control over our path, but we still hold the task of finding a way forward.
They might be ridiculous.
They might be wrong.
And yet, we must find a way not to let them impede our ambitions.
It’s not our fault — but it remains our responsibility.
