The most important way we teach good behavior is to embody it. The integrity between what we ask of our children and what we do in our own actions is the most important thing we have for training them in the behaviors we hope for.
To a therapist this can seem obvious. It is psych 101. But not everybody knows it, and it is easy to lose sight of when we are focused on correcting a child.
Modeling Changes With Age
This overlaps with the quadrant model of teaching, managing, mentoring, and nurturing. The younger the child, the more they need direction alongside the example. We cannot assume they will figure it out by watching.
If we are teaching manners at the dinner table, modeling is still the most important part. And we also say it.
We put our napkins in our laps. We chew with our mouths closed. We don’t have phones at the table. A good way to invite someone into the conversation is to ask a curious, open question.
Then we do those things ourselves.
Once our children are tweens and teens, doing it ourselves becomes the most important intervention, and close to the only one we have. We cannot have a bad relationship with our phone and expect our teenager to have a good one.
Modeling Humility: Apology and Accountability
We also need to walk the talk with humility, which means we engage in apology and accountability.
It is not only normal that we will mess up as parents. It is inevitable. It is impossible not to.
And there is a benefit to the child in it. When a parent messes up and then repairs, with validation, with the humility of expressing sorrow, with a correction, the child is watching the same skills they need to develop. They are learning to repair and to be humble.
I was frustrated, and I spoke to you unfairly. I’m sorry. You were trying to explain something, and I didn’t give you a chance. I want to hear it.
An apology also needs follow-through.
Repair grows resilience, too. Our children see that we can do hard things, like say sorry and feel guilt, and still survive. The relationship is not lost.
Strength includes the ability to say sorry.
Making Our Values Visible
Modeling reaches into every area where our value system shows. Depending on the age of the child, it is okay to announce the choice and then make it.
Gosh, I really want those french fries. I’m going to order a salad, because I know it’ll make me feel better for the rest of the day.
I’m really angry at that person, and this is what I’d like to say. This is how I’m going to handle it more strategically.
They watch us put on our running shoes and go for a run. They watch us choose the healthy decision, and hold healthy boundaries with other people.
Whatever we explain to our children, they are also watching what we do when our values require something of us.
