How to know when to teach patience — and when to teach empowerment
Patience and acceptance are often celebrated as virtues — especially in the face of adversity. But at times, we’re called to the opposite: advocacy and empowerment, the active altering of an unjust situation.
Is patience or advocacy needed for growth in the face of adversity?
Both are necessary. Both can be right.
The art is knowing which is which.
The Role of Adversity
As parents, we see this tension constantly.
Adversity is essential for growth — it shapes perseverance, discipline, grit, and character. Children learn self-regulation and resourcefulness when they face manageable challenges and discover that they can meet them.
But not all adversity is constructive. Some forms are so disproportionate, or so senseless, that they no longer cultivate strength. They create learned helplessness instead — a loss of confidence and agency.
When adversity crosses that line, it stops being a teacher and becomes an inhibitor.
The Difference Between Challenge and Harm
Sometimes the adversity a child faces is simply too much. The difficulty might exceed their developmental threshold, or the situation might be absurd in its structure — what psychologists call a double bind.
A double bind creates a lose-lose condition:
“I need you to jump in the pool but not get wet.”
“If you don’t do this impossible thing, you can’t eat lunch.”
There’s no perseverance to be found there, only confusion and shame. When children are repeatedly exposed to those kinds of conditions — whether in school, social settings, or at home — they don’t learn grit; they learn that their boundaries and sense of logic can’t be trusted.
A Simple Metric: How Ridiculous Is It?
When faced with a child’s adversity, we might pause to ask:
How ridiculous is this situation?
If the challenge is difficult but developmentally appropriate, patience may be the lesson.
If the challenge is nonsensical, double-blinded, or belligerent, then empowerment — not endurance — is the healthier response.
Our task is to discern the difference. To know when to model acceptance and when to model advocacy.
Teaching Both Strength and Self-Respect
Growth often comes from struggle. But the kind of struggle that builds character also respects boundaries and reason. When adversity becomes absurd, our responsibility is to intervene, not to spiritualize the suffering.
Sometimes, the most loving act is not to teach patience — but to teach that no one should have to persevere through the ridiculous.
