Relationship feel stuck? Try pretending that you don’t know everything about your partner


Did I actually use sarcasm in my title? The point here is that often the problems that arrive in a relationship are the result of people believing that they know everything that there is to know about their partner… conversations start getting stuck as you stop asking questions because you believe that you already know the answer… you get irritated with the way that your partner will surely react though you don’t give them the opportunity to actually show you how they would react… these are just two of a great multitude of examples.

So what is the solution… pretend that you don’t know your partner at all… the more that you can honestly engage in this suggestion the more you will find that you actually don’t know your partner as well as you thought (in a good way).

The simple truth is that most of us don’t really know exactly who we are… so to believe that we have another person more figured out than our selves seems a bit off…

People change… they gain new interests, opinions, desires, neurosis, abilities etc… your partner has changed quite a bit as well.

So offer your partner some curiosity… some interest… some unbiased attention.

What does your partner really think about this that or the other thing?

The unknown is exciting, invigorating, and enticing… you unwittingly decided to remove this wonderful descriptor from your partner… you labeled him/her as understood… as quantified.

Nothing is for certain… chaos is a constant…

Commonly we allow the results of chaos to torment us and send us into cyclones of confusion, but rarely to we allow ourselves to revel in the bliss of uncertainty… life is unpredictable and that is wonderful…

Your partner’s growth through life is unpredictable and this is wonderful as well.

There is nothing worse than boring… boring is a state that arises when we enslave ourselves into believing that everything can be known and understood… it can’t.

Many of the problems facing relationships today stem from the fact that we have made our relationships boring by colluding with the ideas of the rational parts of our minds… we ‘know’ what our partner looks like, we know what she smells like, we know what she thinks, we know what she wants…

Wants, thoughts, looks, smells etc are never the same from one minute to the next… everything is subtly influenced and changed by everything in every transpiring moment… my face is quantifiably different than when I started typing this… I have a different opinion about this blog post than when I started…

Look at the features of your partner… stare with loving curiosity at the intricacy of his/her tangibleness… notice the lines, curves, colors, dots, spots, bumps, hills, hairs that your rational mind walks briskly by…

You thought once that you knew your partner… but that was a moment now past… know her/him again in this moment… love all over again.

What color are your partners eyes?

Depends on the moment right?

They are millions of colors.

If you pretend long enough perhaps you will find the enlightened message that you don’t actually know anything… and life is significantly happier when everything is novel.

Curiosity is exciting… allow yourself to stop pretending that your have yourself or your partner figured out… you don’t have to… it is your choice…

William Hambleton Bishop is a practicing therapist in Steamboat Springs Colorado.
William Hambleton Bishop
William Hambleton Bishop is a practicing therapist in Steamboat Springs Colorado.

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